Think back to your time in high school. For some of us, we feel nostalgic. Those were some of the best times in life. For some of us this couldn’t be further from the truth. Those were some of the shittiest times in life. Either way, I think most of us can agree that your teenage years were the time in your life when you most wanted to “fit in” with a crowd.
Some of the things you did are almost comical to look back on. Remember when you would straighten your hair before school every day? Remember the terrible “skater boy” shoes you begged your mom to buy you? Remember the embarrassment if your outfit didn’t feel perfect? Never is your level of self-consciousness and insecurity higher than it was during those awkward but formative years.
The good news is that most of us grew out of that. The desire to fit in is biological and will never completely disappear, but with each year you gain clearer insights as to who you really want to surround yourself with, and what crowd you really want to fit in with. The farther you get from high school, the easier it is to look back and laugh. Why is that?
As you get older you discover that you weren’t alone in your adolescent insecurities. Everyone just wanted to fit in. In fact, insecurity itself is almost seen as a central tenant to being a teen. This is because it is so widely felt. You used to worry so much about how you looked, how you sounded, what music you listened to, who you hung out with.
With time these insecurities do start to fade, even if they don’t disappear all together. They fade because of the realization that everyone shared the same fear. The biggest fear of your teenage years was the fear of being different.
The good news is that your insecurities about being different and your desire to fit in fade as the years go by. The bad news is that this insecurity is simply replaced by another. Once you enter adulthood your insecurities shift to your fear of incompetence.
As adults, we never want to be seen as incompetent. We want to be seen as efficient employees, loving partners and perfect parents. We want others to gawk at how great we are doing and we want to be praised for absolutely killing it. But we don’t ever actually believe we are killing it. We are all terrified by the idea that we really have no fucking idea what we are doing.
One of my looming insecurities revolves around my first year of boat ownership. Last year I bought my first boat, Phoenix, which I live on in the summer but is currently on the hard. There are so many terrible things that can happen if you don’t properly take care of a boat (like sinking!). Phoenix was previously maintained at a very high level by a captain with many years of experience on me. My biggest fear is to let Phoenix down by missing something, forgetting something, or doing something wrong. I am terrified. Not of a random lightning strike or some other form of bad luck. I’m terrified of my own incompetence.
But then, aren’t we all?
Think back to high school again. The point of our insecurities then was so that we made friends. Humans are social beings and so our insecurities pushed us to do that. Fear is an emotion that can help you find your way. If we weren’t scared and insecure about our own incompetence then we’d fail as a species. We ALL feel it. Whatever it is that you’re insecure about, it stems back to incompetence. And whatever it is you’re insecure about, you are not the only one.
The point of this blog is to spark discussion. It’s uncomfortable at first, but I encourage you to talk about your insecurities. To a friend, to family, to a therapist, to your cat, to me. Anyone. I believe we can alleviate our fears even just a little bit by realizing we are all scared of the same things.
As always, I’d love to hear from you. Reach out!
hannahgob@gmail.com
It seems to me that teenage insecurities derive from the fact that we are in transition. One half of our being wants to remain as the kid in the parental security zone. The other half of our being wants to break away and forge our own identity. So the insecurities arise from the choppy waters in the transition. If I am always trying to grow in some way in life, e.g. a new habit, new skill, new relationship, it seems I am inviting insecurity in.
Yes! I completely agree and I love that perspective of comparing transition with inviting insecurity in. Transitions can be so tough even if they are good transitions and you have articulated why so beautifully. Thanks for adding!!