Hi everyone! Happy Friday if you’re reading this in real time. This week I have another metaphor brought to you by Ms. Phoenix. It’s slightly cheesy as last week’s post about waves, but slightly more controversial. Enjoy!
If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I’ve been spending some time this past week focusing on the (massive amount) of teak aboard Phoenix. Almost all of the wood on deck has gone gray, which means that because of its porous texture it has absorbed a significant amount of grime out of the air. The first step in bringing it back to life is to clean it. So that is what I’ve spent the past couple of 80 degree days doing – taking my green scrubbing pad and methodically scrubbing back and forth, periodically rinsing off the muck.
This type of boat work is one of my favorites. It’s a chore that takes time, and takes effort, but doesn’t take all of my attention. Though I have to focus on what’s in front of me physically, I can allow my mind to wander as I do it.
As I steadily push the scrubber back and forth, Phoenix gives me a new metaphor to ponder. Cleaning teak requires you scrub against the grain, which can feel strange, especially if your wood has a lot of grooves. While it feels funny, I scrub and scrub over the rough grooves, and I ponder the way we use the phrase “going against the grain”.
According to Mirriam-Webster, going against the grain is doing something “that is different from what is normal”. As I reflect on my life there are fairly obvious ways that I choose to go against the grain. Living on a sailboat, and living a seasonal life (rather than having a job year round) both differ from “normal”. The lifestyle that I choose to live comes with some amazing benefits and some significant challenges. Most importantly, however, it affords me familiarity with doing things a bit outside the box. It gives me perspective and experience with looking at commonly held beliefs and questioning them a bit.
Questioning these commonly held beliefs is a different form of going against the grain, and it is one that has the potential to significantly offend some. So before I examine some ideologies that I think twice about, I want to say that you obviously have full rights to disagree with me. I’m not trying to make a case of something that is right or wrong. I’m just encouraging you to question our place deep within the grooves of the grain.
An easy way to go starkly across the grain is to consider the institution of marriage and all that’s involved in it. Of course, I think it’s beautiful for two people to commit to each other for life. But when I look deeper at all of the acts of tradition that go along with marriage, and in particular weddings, I find that I get feelings that don’t sit right with me. I find many of the customs to be outdated and extremely sexist. So much of a wedding ceremony is seeped in the treatment of women as property of men. From the father walking the bride down the aisle (one man giving her to another man) to the woman taking her husband’s last name – and don’t get me started on “Mr. and Mrs. *husbands name*”. Even so far as the white dress, which symbolizes the woman’s virginity and purity. I understand that these are traditions, and we aren’t thinking about the history as we follow them. But I still can’t help but question these customs, and think deeply about whether or not I want to participate in them.
As I crouch over the deck on Phoenix, there are other societal norms that I question too. I question ideas about gender, why we are so obsessed with the need for there to be two defined genders. I question the idea of unconditional love. I question certain moral judgements on what is inherently good or bad.
An important point to make is that the key word here is question. I don’t believe that we should go against everything, say “fuck society” and all do our own thing. But examining the things that we do, and why we do them is important. Once we give ourselves the chance to think deeply, we can make an active decision about what we want.
The reason that you don’t scrub teak along the grain is that if you do, you’ll gouge out the softer wood and create deeper grooves. So in essence, the more you go with the grain, the deeper these traditions and norms will seep, and the harder it will be to break from them. The point of this post is not to say that going with the grain is bad. This post is written for people who may be a bit more on the fence. The folks who feel that the “normal” way of life doesn’t really fit them. If that’s you then maybe you see this as a sign of encouragement to begin to challenge normalcy a bit. And if that is you, remember that you are not alone.
Interesting train of thought. I’ve personally always disliked certain “societal obligations”, and refer to certain dates on the calendar as “Hallmark Holidays” which are steeped in specific commercially-appropriated activities. This would be a long conversation!
To continue with your train of thought, I suppose the child might also have the choice of choosing their last name, and not just take the last name of the father. I suppose that could cause extended-family strife, and create expensive legal obstacles which only some attorneys would appreciate (those involved with the actual name change being but one). Perhaps we have so many different things going on in life that we choose our battles carefully and simply let slide some of those items which merely irk us. It takes adequate quantities of leisure time to be able to focus on all aspects of “injustice”, and make the choice as to whether something is worth pursuing….or not. Often, at my age of 57, I choose to “battle” a societal norm depending on how it affects others. Admittedly not always an easy choice.
It is great that you think about things and don’t just accept them.
Life is all about perspective and being able to see things from different points of view.
I think the huge hype around weddings is totally over the top, delivering a woman from
An older man to a younger one is
a tradition that can be dispensed with. The white dress, the name, the rings… irrelevant. Yet I love weddings …..because of what they represent, commitment .
I believe that unconditional love only occurs from mothers to their children. I also believe that conditional love with extremely deep commitment is a source of great joy.
Exactly! This goes perfectly with Robs point: the hype around weddings can make for an amazing fun/special party, but it can also take away from what they are supposed to represent – commitment. I think reworking tradition so that it fits your beliefs is important. And I 100% agree that unconditional love is reserved for parents to children, and conditional love can be so wonderful – especially when both people are clear on what those “conditions” are and make a commitment to them.
This topic really has me thinking. In certain ways I’ve gone against the grain my whole life, depending on the subject. My father enrolled me in Catholic Sunday school through junior year in high school. My “debates” with the poor Sunday school teacher were enough to get me out of that, and my belief systems were very much against the grain of my Dad’s family. Still are.
I loathe the marriage-industrial-complex as much as the funeral-industrial-complex. Weddings can be beautiful or a total pain in the ass. Not for me to decide for others, just to contribute the occasional “topical comment”. After death a burlap bag in nutrient deficient soil sounds perfectly acceptable. But back to teak grain…
It can be difficult to determine whether one should use consistent processes or always be end-result oriented. My opinion is that some situations, ie. poker/gambling/investing should follow a process driven method, whereas others require a goal focused approach. Let’s look at scrubbing the teak on a sailboat (something I’ve never done). If the goal is to get rid of the grime, then force has to be applied to the entirety of the wood, both the ridges and the grooves. Can’t allow all that gunk to end up sitting in those grooves! Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that cleanliness can be achieved either way, and going against the grain would require more effort to get the grooves clean than going with the grain. There would also be greater wear on the ridges, so that over time the peaks and valleys may appear less prominent but what is actually happening is that the wood is getting thinner overall. Efficiency might best be served by going with the grain. This is all just hypothetical, because as you have previously shown it can be a metaphor for a lot of other things.
If one applies the test of clinical relevance, questions arise which make one ask the purpose of what is being done. At certain times in life efficiency rules everything, as there isn’t time to get everything “just how we want” and battles fought must be chosen wisely. The rest can slide. Maybe that’s why retirees can get cantankerous, they now have the time to fight all those old battles….or let them go.
So much good stuff here! Yes the marriage-industrial-complex and the funeral-industrial-complex; both of which play strongly on emotion for financial gain. And that can cause us to loose sight of the importance of what we’re actually trying to do (i.e. the stress of wedding or funeral planning may impact the point of it all – loving or grieving).
And the difference between process oriented or goal oriented. As with the teak, focusing on the goal solely of getting it clean without regard for the grooves will likely make it easier in the moment, but much more challenging the next time you have to clean the teak, and it will progressivly get worse. So to your point, efficiency in the short term may make for a bigger pain in the ass in the long term. Which can of course also be turned back into a metaphor when applied to life in general. At which point (both in boat projects and in the broad sense ~life~) it does become important to look forward and -pick your battles.